I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
