Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
