I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
