new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
