Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
