I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize