dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
