It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize