Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
