maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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