My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
