you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize