I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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