i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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