someone get that fucking seahorse.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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