so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize