When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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