I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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