i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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