I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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