im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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