i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
