I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
