I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
