Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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