Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
