ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
