Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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