I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
