I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
