I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize