Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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