was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
