I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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