so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
