I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
