Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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