Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize