thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
