I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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