addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
