Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
