the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
