We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
