I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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