I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
