Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
