If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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