You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
