i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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