mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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