he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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