I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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