Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
