If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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