just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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