Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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