He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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