u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
