I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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