if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize