The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
